AT the start of the year, it is part of the unwritten constitution of newspaper columnists that they must inflict upon their audience their predictions for the forthcoming 12 months.
All the nationals have been at it, so it seems only fair that we local columnists should get out our own crystal balls and have a go, too.
So what could 2018 have in store for us?
The civil servant in charge of drawing up the proposed electoral boundary changes declares that there should be one Westminster MP for every 500,000 people, thereby reducing the number of MPs to around 130. Cumbria therefore becomes one constituency. It is decided to select the county's new candidate by traditional methods, and the six sitting MPs fight it out at a Cumberland and Westmorland wrestling tournament in August. Rory Stewart is disqualified early for ignoring the rules of proportionality when he drafts in the SAS to help him. John Woodock loses in the second round because his wrestling technique fails to give him the Momentum he needs. In a tense final, Trudy Harrison and Tim Farron slug it out, Mr Farron emerging victorious as the last Remainer standing.
Princes William and Harry, along with Kate and Meghan, pay a surprise visit to the county in Feburary, stopping off in Carlisle and Barrow. They are much taken with the residents they meet. As a result, Meghan decides to hold a Cumbrian-style hen party. She hires a minibus, goes on a pub crawl, falls out with her best friend, samples her first Skittles WKD cocktail and gets arrested at 3am after a row about being shortchanged at a kebab van.
William and Kate's third child is born in May. It's a boy. They christen him Kody-Kyle and get his right ear pierced in time for the christening. They each have his name tattooed on their forearms in what they think is Sanskrit. It isn't, but the tattoo artist isn't going to tell them that.
In an upset worthy of Leicester City itself, Carlisle United and Barrow AFC both make it into the Premier League. Joy is unconfined, celebratory open top bus tours are embarked upon and souvenir pull-outs abound in our local papers, until a sharp-eyed sports reporter notices that it's actually the newly-formed Premier Inn League that the clubs have joined.
Hot on their success of sending bosses up to the county in December 2017 to explain their shocking service - only for them to arrive late because their train broke down - Northern make a pledge to the rail users of Cumbria that at some point in 2018 a train will almost certainly run on time, with enough seats for all the passengers. It doesn't.
The L'al Ratty railway is extended, to link up with the Haverthwaite steam railway. Some sort of efficient rail service is at last seen in the county. Business commuters aboard the Thomas the Tank Engine Express declare themselves thrilled at the prospect of actually getting to a meeting on time.
Following a particularly wet winter, a new lake is discovered, which, after a public vote, is named Potty McPottywater, in honour of Beatrix Potter. This brings an extra seven million tourists from China and Japan to Cumbria. None of them is brave enough to come by train.
Hadrian's Wall is demolished after the county council checks its records and discovers that Hadrian hadn't applied for planning permission. Cagoule-wearing tourists are given counselling.
The Sir John Barrow Monument in Ulverston opens a revolving restaurant at the top, aiming to become the county's latest Michelin-starred eatery. It can cater for two people at a time and the first customers leave without paying because their soup was cold by the time the waitress got it from the ground floor kitchen. Simon Rogan stops quaking in his boots. Not that he started.
The Kendal Mint Cake company launches a sugar-free version of its product. Local mountain rescue teams have an extraordinarily busy summer as a result, rescuing exhausted fell walkers.
BAE announces it has been persuaded by Jeremy Corbyn's principles to stop building Trident-class submarines in Barrow. They will make vessels for the new Potty McPotterwater Steamboat Company instead.
Carr's In Carlisle decide to make a chocolate-covered water biscuit. It goes surprisingly well with Stilton.
Three hundred more microbreweries and gin distilleries open in the county. "You can never have too much booze" becomes the new motto of the Cumbria Federation of Small Businesses.
Think all that's unlikely? After what we've witnessed over the last couple of years, don't bank on it. Happy 2018.
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